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Canyons of My Mind – Alcoholism (42a)

Canyons of My Mind

Added to the heritage of domestic violence was the fact that, most of my life, Dad was a dry drunk who never dealt with his anger and resentment. There was a photo of my dad when I was a kid and he was stuffing around on the beach laughing. I often wondered what turned this laughing young man into the taciturn, grumpy, miserable man he became as he got older.

I never realised when I was young that Dad had an alcohol problem because we only had alcohol in the house at Christmas and everyone drank in moderation. Mum told me, when she was out on holiday in early 1975, that after getting sacked from his own company, Dad started drinking a bottle of whiskey a day, to the point where she was close to leaving him.  I suppose things cleared up as they were still together when they came on holiday and remained together until Mum died in 1987.

But when we were living in Queensland Dad told me once that, when he was in the Navy, he heard some Wrens talking about a Petty Office who was a real drunk and realised they were talking about him. He told me it shook him so much he he’d never been drunk since, which was quite ironic as he’d already knocked back a few glasses of whiskey/brandy/rum or whatever he was drinking at the time, and his voice was already slurred in the late morning.

Once my mum died, Dad’s slide into rampant alcoholism accelerated. As I mentioned in an earlier post,  I never went to see him in the afternoon as he’d be drunk as a skunk.  If I phoned, his voice would be slurred and I couldn’t make sense of what he was saying.  In Queensland, his life became chaotic. His house was filthy, he’d sit in his chair and smoke, but flicked the ash to the ground so a thick layer of ash lay around on the carpet. How he never set fire to his place is beyond me. His kitchen floor was covered in ingrained grease and dirt. And he became more and more erratic.

Finally he blacked out early one morning, phoned us to tell us he’d called an ambulance and my husband, Bryan, drove to his house to give a helping hand.It turned out Dad had broken a couple of ribs and fractured a couple of vertebrae in his fall.  When Dad entered the local hospital I told them Dad was an alcoholic, so they gave him small doses of alcohol each day to minimise withdrawal effects. Unfortunately,  he got a chest infection, had to take antibiotics and so couldn’t have alcohol. He got the D.T.’s, kept falling out of bed, told me seriously about the possums that were climbing over a fellow patient’s bed, got violent and eventually was heavily medicated.

I won’t go into any more gory details, but one thing I do want to say.  Alcoholics are charmers, don’t believe a word they say, concentrate on your own survival, don’t get dragged down into their dysfunctional lives. My father charmed everyone he met. He was full of promises about what he was going to do when he got out of hospital – fishing, gardening, etc., – and suckered everyone, including his social worker. If Bryan hadn’t been with me, knew the truth of how my father treated me and how he behaved, and supported me through all the chaos, I would have thought I was either going mad or already insane.

No-one believed me when I told him what life was like with my father and at one stage, when I was trying to sort out power of attorney, I was virtually accused of being after his money. He would sober up in hospital, a psychiatrist would see him and pronounce him fit, and out he’d come into mainstream life again to continue his boozing and aggro.  Eventually he had several strokes which left him with virtually unintelligible speech and confined to a wheelchair. Luckily for him he was offered a place in a first-class nursing home with his own en-suite.  He was able to have a small amount of alcohol each day but eventually got to weak to handle the grog.

We moved to the UK in 2002 for my sanity and my health and because Bryan wanted to be closer to his kids, stayed on the west coast when we returned to Australia in 2004 in order not to become embroiled in Dad’s affairs again, and finally moved to northern New South Wales when he entered a nursing home.  When we got to the nursing home for the first time, the nurses told me he was eager to see me. And true to form, Dad was only eager because he wanted me to take him out of the nursing home and take care of him. By that stage, I had got the determination to say no, and to care for myself, something that had, in earlier years, been sadly lacking in me.

I got a phone call at 5am one morning to say that my father was likely dying as he’d had a turn for the worse. We lived about three hours from his nursing home and got there in time to say good-bye. I sat and gave Reiki to dad, finally kissing him on the cheek as I left. In my grief, I left my walking stick behind and Bryan went to get it. He said Dad opened his eyes as he walked in, Bryan said: “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her”. And with that Dad closed his eyes and passed away a couple of hours later.

On the way north to Brisbane, we drove through great clouds of butterflies which an Aboriginal friend told me later was a sign of an easy passing. Dad had been terrified of dying but his eventual death was calm, peaceful and full of ease. I was glad for him that he was finally at peace and out of this mortal coil where he’d been so unhappy.

I remember the daughter of a friend shaking off her father when he went to hug her, and it was so hard to stand back and not say to her: “You are so lucky. Your dad loves you, he’s affectionate, he hugs you. Don’t whistle it down the wind”.  I have met many, many people with wise, wonderful, kind, loving fathers and I simply want to let them know too how lucky they are.  Treasure your father. Sort out any differences, if that’s possible, and remember that life is a lottery – you don’t know when someone is going to die, so make the best of ever loving moment you have with them. Count your blessings.

To those who are in dysfunctional family relationships, I simply say that you are worth more. Love and care for yourself because you have something unique to offer the world. Don’t let the miserable, the selfish, the violent, the jealous, the drug- or alcohol-addicted drag you down. Let them go. These days there is more openness and awareness of family problems. As I mentioned earlier, the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study has raised awareness of how challenges in childhood can have long-term effects. Surround yourself with loving, supportive people, whether friends or advisors or health/mental professionals, and build yourself a new family if you need to with friends of your own choosing.

Remember – shine your light. You are not the Pied Piper of the Universe. Let others work out how to shine their light and don’t let them dim yours.

 

Fibro Follies – 2 (27)

I’ve had a long break from writing because I’ve been hit with a rather bad dose of sciatic pain which has meant sleepless nights and some discombobulated days as a result.  A while back I went to an all-day workshop with quite uncomfortable chairs and the result was that health-wise it really knocked me sideways.

However, in the intervening period I had an experience which I found provided rather a good lesson in coping with fibromyalgia and its effects.

I learned to say no!

Aha!  Perhaps that’s one of the big lessons when we get fibromyalgia – learning to tune into our bodies, listen to what all our cells and bits of pieces tucked away under our skin feel like, and acting in harmony with our body rather than trying to run out lives strictly from our heads. And finding the inner strength to say “no” when we need to look after ourselves and not put everyone else first.

Okay, it’s a bit simplistic, I admit, as fibromyalgia is multi-faceted, acts differently in each individual and really is quite hard to pin down in terms of specific healing aspects. It seems to vary from person to person. But I was looking at a blog recently, written by a fibro sufferer, and it was like looking at myself many years ago: angry, furious at my body letting me down, straining against the bit to get active again, still over-doing things, railing against the world, refusing to listen to my body and to its message

Fibro Follies

Fibro Follies

 I felt exhausted reading the blog and realised how far I’d come in working out how to co-exist with what I now consider a learning tool for my body.

I also created this piece of digital art to illustrate what fibromyalgia feels like: the blackness when you feel despair; the flashes of light which represent the chaos of this health challenge because you never know what it’s going to dish up next; the red which signifies the pain; the green which represents the peace you can sometimes feel with fibro; and the blue to signify the need to tune into your body and communicate with it. Because, as I said in my last post, trying to push through fibro is pretty damned useless, all that will happen is that you’ll be flat on your back and probably worse off than before.

All these things of course I’ve learned over 15-odd years of living with fibromyalgia. Nevertheless, I still get tempted into trying to do more than I can. A while back,  I was asked to take part in a mind, body, spirit show in Kyrenia. The idea was to take my computer and printer along, create individual artwork for visitors, and do readings. I quite fancied doing this, but deep down I knew really it’s beyond me physically.  Nevertheless, I’ve been pummeling my brain to get the pieces together – to be able to travel to the exhibition and set up, cope with leaving the four dogs alone for a long time in case they make a noise and upset the neighbours, worrying about whether we could handle the financial costs, and whether this was an appropriate step for me.

Truth to tell, as I said above, I knew deep within that I should say no. But I’m a Libran, I hate saying no when people ask me to do something. And if I’m really honest, the good old ego preened itself at being asked to take part and at the idea of going and creating art.

In the end, I decided to do a Tarot reading for myself.  The spread was follows:

What’s the energy around the exhibition? A: The MoonThe Moon

This reflected the fact that I felt a deep unease about taking part in the exhibition, that there were underlying features I felt were hidden, and I felt some sort of deception but was uncertain what it involved. In the event, I showed the card to my husband – he who scorns the Tarot – who said immediately: “You’re deceiving yourself about your ability to take part”.  Ho-ho, spot on!

The next question: What would be the result of taking part? A: Five of Coins

Five of Coins

Hmmm, pretty hard to read this one, eh?  Difficulties, poverty, and ill-health.

Now the cynical among you may think the Tarot is a heap of old cobblers but – hang on!  I repeated this reading three times, shuffling the cards each time, and waddyaknow? the same cards came out every time!

Message received, loud and clear. Don’t take part. Say no. Which I did and it was very hard. It was, however, made all the easier because I had a terrible night with sciatic pain, the day before I had to make a final decision, as if my body was waging guerilla warfare against my taking part in the expo. But having made the decision, I felt like a load had gone from my shoulders, I felt profoundly I’d made the right decision, and my body felt all the lighter and more cheerful for it.Wheel of Fortune

So to wind up, the next day I drew another card: what is the result of my decision not to take part in the exhibition? And the result: The Wheel of Fortune. This is one of the very positive cards in the Tarot pack, and it’s part of the Major Arcana which signifies times of great significance or importance in your life. It means a fortunate turn in circumstances which I think was a great confirmation I’d made the right decision.

I don’t know the ins and outs of people who have fibromyalgia as I do. My own experience has been, however, that I have had to slow down.  I cannot take life at top speed as I used to.  I have to tune into my body to see what’s going on from day to day.

I appreciate people who kindly offer supportive advice – whether it’s nutritional or to suggest certain therapies. I do know I get fed up with people who make instant diagnoses of fibro, how you can get better and what the underlying causes are. It’s particularly difficult when you get someone into metaphysical analysis of illness who tell you all about your wrong thinking, your crappy attitude and how, if you think the right way, the fibro will disappear overnight.

I happen to know my own body now, I have tried various therapies which have improved my health and helped me cope better. Considering what I was like in Boonah, I am heaps better. But I know my own body, I know what it can and can’t handle, I happen to think illness and disease are very complex and sometimes they’re a mystery which can be frustrating as we live in a scientific society which wants logical answers and cures.

For me, most importantly, you need to decide what brings heart and soul into your life and live your life with passion. Passion doesn’t necessarily mean running around doing lots of things or being hyper-active. It means working out what really makes you happy in life, what creates ease for your body rather than disease, and what really lifts your heart rather than drags you down. And, of course, only you know the answer.

Nor does the answer drop into your hot little hands like manna from heaven. It takes time to work it all out and it’s why I’m really rather grateful to the Fibro Follies because working through all the challenges has finally led me to focus on digital art and the immense creative pleasure it brings my own heart and soul.

I make the above point about lessons taking a long time to learn because back in Boonah, I found it very, very hard not to be running around like a cut snake doing the things I loved: teaching, working with crystals, going to health expos or taking part in markets. And, of course, there was the huge question mark of my father living beside us even though I had no direct contact with him. I did have feedback via the terrific social worker who was helping Dad. But even so, he suckered her like he suckered so many people and it was hard to sit back and stay detached.

Finally we came to the conclusion that our time in Boonah was over. Bryan wanted to be closer to his family and I wanted to get away from Dad’s alcoholic antics. So we decided to return to the UK. I rang Dad’s social worker and told her what we’d decided. She told Dad we were thinking of returning to the UK and his response was: “They’re not going anywhere. They’re waiting for me to die to get my money”. So then she had to tell him we weren’t thinking about it, we had decided.

I think it must have been a hell of a shock for Dad as I’d always, in one way or another, been there for him. So one day I saw him on his verandah and half-waved, whereupon he waved back and obviously wanted some contact. So at Easter 2002, I went up to see him, the door was open but I refused to enter until he specifically invited me in. And when I’d sat down, my father was polite, respectful and obviously pleased to be back in contact.

Nevertheless, I refused to put my life on hold for my father as he was still boozing like the clappers, his house was filthy and he still was leading a chaotic lifestyle. So we put the house up for sale.  It took a while but when it did sell, it was as if everything fell into place as the buyers were really pleasant and helpful. We sold for cash all the antique furniture I’d inherited from Dad when Mum died. This paid for the air fares to Perth and then to Manchester, in the north of England where Bryan’s relatives lived.

Leaving my father on his own was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It really broke my heart when we got up early in the morning we left and drove away.  I couldn’t look at my dad’s house or our house and, when the jet took off from Brisbane Airport, I just cried my eyes out.

We flew back to Perth with Rosie and to spend time with our friends before leaving Australia for what we thought would be the last time.  We kennelled Rosie just before we flew to Manchester as she had a week or so to wait for a flight back to the UK.

And on October 12th,2002, just after the Bali bombings, we walked down the gangway onto our flight to Manchester. As we walked towards the plane, I felt another great surge of grief and guilt that I was leaving my father on his own and saying goodbye to such good friends, and burst into tears. Bryan hugged me and said he’d be wondering when it would hit me. So as we taxied down the runway for our new life in the UK, my last view of Australia was blurred with tears, a hazy view very reminiscent of the view of Australia on the horizon as the cruise ship on which I arrived in this beloved country in 1972 sailed ever closer to Fremantle, the port of Perth in Western Australia.

Dreams – Pt 2 (23)

Prior to really tuning into dreams in Boonah, I had two I remember while living in Perth, Western Australia. In the first, on the night before my mother’s funeral, I saw her on a carousel which was gently turning and bathed in golden light. I said to her: “You really are dead, Mum, aren’t you?” And she nodded and the scene went black. In the second dream, one I’ve described already, I saw my little dog, Chloe, the night after she was hit by a bus and killed, walking away away from me in the same golden light. As she turned to look at me, a voice said: “She came to teach you unconditional love. Now her job is done, it’s time for her to move on.”  Chloe gave me a compassionate, loving look then turned and kept walking away. Eventually, everything went black again.

The golden light in dreams, I’ve found from experience over the years, means the dream has a spiritual meaning for me. In my mother’s case, not only did I confirm that she was dead, but her death opened the way for me to start looking at childhood stuff, healing in a very fundamental way, and looking at my relationship with my father, as Mum had been the peacemaker between us. In the second dream, Chloe’s death opened me up to the idea of moving from Western Australia, taking a course in Reiki and opening up to my psychic abilities.A Portal to the Stars & Life

When I had the dream about the bull I described in my last post, the kitchen was in golden light, and it opened up my inner wisdom to understand the self-centred motivation behind my father offering us what looked like a good deal on building our house next to him but which was really intended for him to control us. And I can tell you, when I told him we wouldn’t be taking him up on his offer, his face went thunderous and he started swinging his foot and banging the floor, always a sign of dad in a rage. I scarpered for  my own safety and well-being.

When I had a continued infection after breaking my leg and ankle, and had a dream of two herbalists in a cottage asking me in, and I had hit the peak of the hill and was on the way down, the two women were in a golden light. It symbolised the herbal healing I received from Yvonne and her herbalist friend which set me on the path to recovery.

Other dreams have been incredibly helpful to me. I had another predictive dream about my father: that he collapsed outside his toilet, was taken to hospital and my mother appeared to tell me she would take care of him and I needed to make my own life. A week or so later, my father, by then a raging alcoholic, had a black-out by the toilet and fell badly. He had to call the ambulance and had a broken rib and fractured vertebrae. I told the hospital staff he was an alcoholic and they kept him on small doses of alcohol to minimise withdrawal symptoms.

Dad ended up in hospital for a long time and wasn’t allowed to go back to his home due to him having suffered several minor strokes and having falls. We stupidly felt sorry for him and got him into a rental beside us where he lasted a very short  time before he was back on the booze, took himself off all the medication he’d been taken and re-emerged as malevolent and dysfunctional as ever.

It was then I had another dream where a friend told me about a run-down farmhouse that had burned out in town and slightly uphill. When I found the scene, it was surrounded by emergency workers who were handling the situation and I had to leave it to them. I was puzzled by this and talked it over with another friend who suggested, since it was just after the Twin Towers tragedy that I was worried about a bombing in our town. Well, with the best will in the world I couldn’t image Al-Qaeda or its affiliates bothering to bomb a small town in the hinterland of Queensland, and it just didn’t feel right. As it was, when I got home I looked up at Dad’s house, slightly uphill from ours and beginning to look like a rubbish tip, and realised it was about him. Sure enough, he self-destructed a short while later and the social workers took over. I retired from the lists, stopped contact with Dad due to my own stress and ill-health from  his shenanigans, and began to rebuild my own health and well-being.

Flowering LightI also came across in interesting technique in dreams which are unfinished.  I had a dream that Bryan was in our old house up Mt French and a huge, black tornado was heading towards him. I tried to phone him but he wasn’t answering and I was frightened for him. I got woken up before the end of the dream but had that horrible, muggy feeling which meant it had some emotional meaning for me which I needed to understand.  So I did some stooging around and came across the idea of relaxing, going into a sort of trance, revisiting the dream and asking for an ending.  Well, it was quite unexpected. The dream was about me and the huge storm was heading my way.  I was again puzzled by this but it was quite true – within a few weeks I was quite sick, no energy, lying on the sofa looking at the ceiling all day, fog in my head, intense pain in my back and hips and…..I found out later down the line that I’d copped fibromyalgia, another of Boonah’s horror stories!

I have had heaps of dreams since then which have helped me enormously, from understanding day-to-day problems to situations of a spiritual nature. I’ve found that if I concentrate on and pay attention to dreams, my inner wisdom or spiritual guidance will happily respond and send me some intriguing postcards from within – some easy to understand, some difficult to work with but rewarding in the end. And if you return to them further down the line, you may well find that there are deeper layers to a dream you might not have realised the first time you worked with it.

In my next post, I’ll explain some ways to work with dreams and also add in some great blogs about dreams and books which I’ve found helpful. If you have any questions, please let me know and I’ll do my best to help with your queries.

Dreams – Pt 1 (22)

I’ve been pondering whether to do this post on dreams then sort of got kicked into action when I had a quite simple dream with a very deep meaning yesterday morning.  I’ve gone into detail in this post on my art blog:

http://thecrazycrone.org/2014/01/03/dreamsawakening/

but I wanted to explain the importance of dreams since I started on the current part of my life in 1996. Boonah was a really awesome place in terms of spiritual wake-up and development, like a vortex in the mountains.  I had never had anything to do with dreams until I moved into this village and then I began to open up to a more spiritual aspect to my life and to living.Mystery, Adventure, Life

I woke up one morning with a very clear memory of the dream I’d just had, and I was feeling shaken (yeah, pretty stirred too) and felt very heavy-headed and emotional. I may have mentioned this in an earlier post but it was this dream which really opened me up to how dreams can help you in your daily practical and spiritual life.

I was in the living room of my home with a big, black bull outside, pawing at the door and snorting at the gap under the door. Suddenly it broke through and chased me into my brightly lit kitchen where my mother, who was standing there, made the bull vanish.

I went to see my friend later that day, told her the dream and she said: “Oh, it’s quite clear, if you take your father up on your offer of building a home on the vacant block next to his, he’ll never be out of your life, he’ll always be interfering, and the fact that Bryan isn’t there shows he’ll break up your relationship. The image of your mother is your intuitive, wise self telling you a higher truth”.

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. We had our home up Mt French for sale and my father had offered to let us have half of his acre block to build a home on when we sold our current one. I’d agreed because I thought it would free up money for Bryan who wanted to return to the UK to see his family. So I told him about the dream and he said: “I could have told you the dream was about your dad. He’s a bully and he’d never have left us alone. I only agreed to the idea because I thought you wanted to live close to your dad.” And I said to him, “No, I hated the idea but thought it would help you to visit your family”. Whereupon we both looked at each other, decided the two of us had been off our rockers, and mutually agreed against the idea. Which was a pretty good decision because my father used to like controlling people, with money if necessary, and he never would have been out of our lives. And it was a pretty good hint to start talking about things a bit more openly too instead of second-guessing each other.

Not long after that I had another dream. I was standing on a hill looking at a scene from which I was separate because of a stream running at my feet. As I watched, I could see flying machines of various sorts landing and taking off. Some took off conventionally, some took off vertically like helicopters. Then a plane flew in, refuelled, took off and crashed on the field opposite me.  People rushed over, lifted up the cockpit and then said: “There’s nothing we can do for him, he’s dead.”  I felt quite detached from this scene, nothing like the emotional response I’d had the dream abut the bull, and I couldn’t relate it to my life at all or what was going on in it.

So off I trotted to Yvonne again, we pondered over the images and how I felt for a while, and then she said: “You know, this could be a predictive dream. You’re separated from all that’s taking place and you’re emotionally detached, like an observer. Keep an eye out in the news for anything that resembles this dream.” Well, to think you might have a dream about someone dying is pretty upsetting and all I could do was send good thoughts to the unknown person and hope for the best.

On the following Saturday night, on the TV news, I saw a report that a plane had crashed at the Bundaberg Air Show after flying in to refuel at the airport, taking off and then crashing in a field.  I felt my heart lurch at that because it was the exact scenario of my dream, but I really couldn’t understand how I could possibly dream about someone unknown to me. I saw Yvonne a few days later and mentioned the death at the air show. She jumped in her chair and looked at me in amazement as I said I couldn’t work out any connection. “I can tell you the connection”, she said. “That person was a good friend of my eldest daughter and she’s terribly upset about his death.”

So there you have it – somehow I had an invisible contact with a complete stranger via a mutual acquaintance and had forewarning of his death. It might sound good to say you’ve had a predictive dream but, for me, it was very unpleasant to suspect that I might have prior knowledge of someone’s death, not know that person and not be able to do anything to stop them losing their life.

It was, however, like a life lesson. On the one hand it showed me that there are more things going on in this world than we can imagine. Somehow I had become part of the invisible web which links us all and picked up this man’s departure from this world.  It seemed to highlight a phrase which is very important to me: “Each man’s death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to kLeunig - the life you could have leadnow. For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee.” (John  Dunne). And if I’m part of this invisible web, then so is everyone else.  

On the other hand, it showed me that our time of death is pretty much set. Now that I find hard to digest, to be honest, but there I was, getting advance notice of this person’s death, so perhaps it might be that we’ve all got a set time for living, only we’re not aware of it.  I suppose if you were aware of your time limit you might get a bit neurotic (or a lot neurotic, as the case may be). Or you  may learn to take life by the horns, live it well and walk a path which lights your life instead of a life where you might not be happy.

So here are a few questions for you:

  • Are you happy with your life?
  • Does your work please and satisfy you?
  • Do you have time to smell the roses?
  • Are you happy with being alone with yourself?
  • Are you happy with silence?
  • Do you still dance?
  • Are you energised by your life or are you knackered and downbeat all the time?

Only you know the answers but if you feel you’re not living an authentic life, consider that you might die tomorrow. How would you feel if you looked back on your life now and wished you’d done something different or lived differently or loved when you had the opportunity or you’d squibbed at doing creative work you knew would light your life and instead chosen a path where you feel stifled and untrue to yourself?

Gabrielle Roth quotationI mention Gabrielle Roth’s quote quite often because it certainly had meaning for me until I decided to live an authentic life instead of trying to please everybody else and also overcame a fear of not being liked if I was truly open about myself, my  likes and dislikes. But I found, in being true to myself that I got re-energised, I left behind the bouts of depression I used to suffer, and I began to take a creative path which really, literally, lifted my spirits.

I’ll wind up this part about dreams now, but will describe some of my other dreams in the next post and, in the third post in this series, post some hints about working with dreams. Listening to postcards from your inner self can illuminate your life and provide spotlights on the way forward to a life lived fully and not half-full.

 

Express yourself!

The Dark Night of the Soul – 2 (20)

Ross River virus – an end to work for my husband

Ross River virus is spread by mosquitoes, it’s quite prevalent in the warmer parts of Australia and is gradually spreading further south. It’s characterised by polyarthritis which causes your joints to swell, you get pretty bad pain and fatigue, and your muscles ache. Depression is part of the cocktail of this disease too.

When Bryan first described how he felt, I told him I thought he’d got Ross River fever and at first I didn’t take it too seriously as I thought it was something that would clear up quite quickly.  But I was quite wrong.  My previously super-active partner sat in an armchair each day, wracked with pain, suffering chronic fatigue, and hardly able to move.  He had always been a thin man but he got ever thinner and eventually ended up at six stone.

Mt Barney - part of a mountain range south of Boonah. We had wonderful views of this and other mountains from our block halfway up Mt French

Mt Barney – part of a mountain range south of Boonah. We had wonderful views of this and other mountains from our block halfway up Mt French

Bryan was deeply depressed and he told me years later that he came close to committing suicide because of the constant, agonising pain and the feeling that he’d gone from being a productive worker to someone who had become utterly useless.  Funnily enough, in 2004 in Perth, after we’d spent two years back in the UK, he had a reading with a medium who told him he’d come very close to death, something to do with his immune system being rock-bottom and Bryan being close to getting a devastating illness which would have killed him. Then he said: “But you were spared. You’ve been given a second chance.”

Bryan saw a couple of locums who diagnosed Ross River fever. But when the local doctor returned, he told my husband that he couldn’t have Ross River because he was nowhere near Ross River. In blind prejudice, and without knowing anything of Bryan’s work history – a hard worker all his life – he decided that Bryan was faking his illness. This was despite the fact the two locums had diagnosed my husband with Ross River fever.

In desperation, we eventually decided to go to a doctor in Ipswich in the hope of getting more decent, respectful treatment.  I remember sitting there with my very sick, grey-faced husband and the doctor – a complete stranger who’d never met him before – looked at him, after we’d explained the situation, and said: “Well, I’ve never met you before, Bryan, but looking at you I see a very, very sick man.”  What a relief to be taken seriously!

Bryan was sent to a rheumatologist who carried out various tests, including the PSA test for prostate cancer, and I remember sitting there worried sick that he might have cancer.  I needn’t have worried about that.  Something else pretty devastating had happened. When Bryan came out of the doctor’s surgery he looked shell-shocked.  Ross River fever sparks polyarthritis and this had affected vertebrae in his back which had been damaged by heavy work on building sites, an accident when he had a bad fall on a building site, and getting blown up and badly injured while serving in the British Army in Cyprus. The rheumatologist told Bryan that if he attempted any heavy lifting, he could damage his back further and end up paralysed. He advised my partner to stop work immediately.

So my husband’s working life had come to an end overnight, so to speak.  We drove back to Boonah, very silent and, I think, very depressed about our financial future.  One thing we knew we’d have to do and that was sell our home as the block was too big for Bryan to maintain due to his ill-health.  And as I still had a gammy leg from my fall, there was no way I could keep the block under control.

A turning point in all this downhill race was that Bryan became eligible to move to the disability pension. We had no idea that this was a better payment, we simply knew that my partner  was now officially disabled and so it made sense to apply for the pension. The switch from unemployment benefit to disability pension happened without a hitch, and we found to our surprise that we were slightly better off financially.  We could get pensioner discounts on rates and electricity. And the rate of payment was higher than the unemployment benefit.

Selling our home on Mt French

Very reluctantly we put the house up for sale.  It was still a rock-bottom market and nothing happened for a while. Bryan would recover somewhat from Ross River but then have to mow the block to keep the grass under control, and he’d go backwards again health-wise. We really wanted to leave Boonah but, however much we were itching to move, no offers appeared. Eventually we got one offer, which would mean a loss of $25,000, a really devastating hit on our finances as by then we had exhausted our savings. However, we decided we were selling in a depressed market but we were also buying in the same market. So we went looking for a house in the Boonah district.

What did occur to me later was that, as long as we wanted to quit Boonah and move elsewhere, nothing happened. But as soon as we decided we would stay in the town, particularly as we were both still in fairly poor health and couldn’t handle a major move elsewhere, the situation changed. It was as if we were meant to remain in Boonah for the time being.

I later realised that this is what happens to people who get drawn, quite unconsciously, to this area.  I lost track of the number of people who I queried about their reasons for ending up in the town.  They all looked puzzled and said it was by accident (like us), or they had a vision of Boonah for a long time (Yvonne), or liked the look of the town when they visited.  Looking back, it was as if the area attracted people, turned them inside out and then, once they’d had their shake-up, sent them on their way. Those who really changed in some fundamental way left the town to carry on their new lives elsewhere.

Tarot: Wheel of Fortune

Tarot: Wheel of Fortune

Tarot: The Wheel of Fortune

At the time we were selling our home, however, I had no idea this sort of energy vortex existed. We were desperate to move as we were getting close to bankruptcy.  I do remember looking at a picture of a house in Boonah and being attracted to the good energy which surrounded it.  I insisted on looking at it, although our real estate agent tried to head us in the direction of another, grotty house he obviously wanted to get off his books.  The house we went to look at was a cottage, run-down, a bit seedy but with a really lovely, large garden and lots of bounteous trees providing shade and a richness to the whole block.  It was about two minutes from the town centre and in a quiet cul-de-sac.  We put in an offer which was accepted. And we accepted the offer on our home, with a heavy heart but with no choice given the state of our health and finances.

Just to wind up our bleak time at Mt French, our dear old Mr Smudge came running in howling in the early afternoon, the day we signed the contract of sale.  He was obviously very ill and I drove with him at breakneck speed to the vet’s.  He’d been hit by a car and had to be put to sleep due to the injuries he had sustained. I held him in my arms and he purred as he slipped into the beyond. It was such a sad end to such a loving, kind and affectionate cat, and we were devastated.  At the same time, our last cat, Jessie, had a hard lump on her cheek.  The vet operated and we found she had a cancer in her saliva gland.  We hoped the surgery might clear it up, but within two weeks, it was clear that Jessie was dying and we had to repeat the trip to the vet’s to have her put to sleep. Thank god our little Jack Russell, Rosie, remained in good health.

I remember arriving back at our home and looking at Jessie’s little body in the back seat and feeling grief overwhelm me.  We had been through so much heartbreak, sadness and despair in this house, and the loss of our two cats seemed to set the seal on a period of our lives which had been far from our excited expectations when we had set off from Perth with such high hopes.  I cried so much that day in a way I’ve never cried before or since.  It was as if I’d got through everything trying to be positive and cheerful, burying the hurt and setbacks deep within, but Jessie’s death opened the floodgates.  I sobbed my heart out all day, utterly unable to stop.  It was absolutely gut-wrenching, those deep cries of pain from deep within which erupt and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

When we walked out of the house, we did so with enormous relief. Whereas we’d been sad to leave our home in Fremantle where we’d lived for ten years, we never looked back at the house on Mt French as we drove away.  But, as it happened, the end of our Mt French misadventure heralded a complete turning point in our lives and from then on, we never looked back.

In the Tarot the Wheel of Fortune can very often mean a turning of the wheel to more fortunate circumstances in life and that’s what happened once we’d left our home on Mt. French.  It was, by the way, a No. 1 house in numerology which means completely new beginnings, a clear-out of the old and a fresh start in life. It was if our old life had been completely ripped away from us, we had been turned inside out and in our new home we were embarking on a completely fresh life. A true Dark Night of the Soul which I can see, looking back, brought us great blessings but, god help me, I never want to go through anything like that again!

Rachel Pollack's Shining Tribe image for 10 of Trees: waving goodbye to the past, saying hello to the future.

Rachel Pollack’s Shining Tribe Tarot image for 10 of Rivers: waving goodbye to the past, saying hello to the future.

 

 

 

 

Life with the Zoo – 2: The guys, the gals & the birdies (18)

We had a rather run-down chook-pen at the far north corner of our block so when our friend, Yvonne, moved out of her house in a rural area and into Boonah town, she asked us if we’d adopt her hens and a couple of roosters. Never having had chooks before, we nevertheless decided to take them on to join our existing menagerie of 3 cats and 1 dog, plus the odd wallaby which bounded around our paddock, hotly chased by our Jack Russell.  We thought it would be a doddle when we went out to Yvonne’s rural property to pick up the hens and roosters.

Our home up Mt French - you can see the peak of the mountain behind.

Our home up Mt French – you can see the peak of the mountain behind.

WRONG!  The guys and gals objected strongly to being caught and we were hot and sweaty by the time we’d finishing chasing after them, catching them and stuffing  the six hens and two roosters into the cage Bryan had constructed.  We drove back to our block on Mt French, chucked the chooks in their shed, and left them there overnight to settle in.

Luckily, the cats and dog were profoundly indifferent to the sudden presence of feathered creatures. But mayhem ensued because the boss cocky rooster, Oscar, hated the younger rooster, Clarence, and kept bashing him up all the time. We’d hear screeches, yells, see feathers flying, the girls would head for cover and poor old Clarence would stagger into view, looking utterly depressed, while Oscar screeched his winning notes. One morning I walked into the pen and thought Clarence had died because all I could see was a bundle of feathers in one corner with the young rooster’s head stuck down a hole. But this had been Clarence’s bolt-hole from being duffed up again by Oscar and he eventually emerged looking even more bedraggled than usual.

In our ignorance, we decided we’d buy another six hens to try and divvy up the girls between the two boys. We saw an ad for chooks being sold by a barn operation so hopped over to the chook farm one morning to pick up some  more girls. If you think you’re doing the right thing by buying barn eggs instead of battery eggs, forget it. Stick to free-range eggs where you know the hens have had a good life out in the open poking around in a natural environment. The hens were packed into the barn so tightly they could hardly move and yes, they were on the floor but they were an utterly miserable sight. They had had their wings clipped and when we got our six girls out into the sunlight, they blinked nervously because they’d never seen the outside before.

When we got them back to Mt French, the fun well and truly started. I read in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” that the way to introduce new hens is to put them in at night when the original girls had already roosted so that when they all woke up the next morning, they’d forget they hadn’t been together the night before and get on well together. It was daylight when we put our six, very twitchy “new” hens in with the “old” girls who absolutely hated the newcomers and attacked them at every opportunity.

Added to that, the new girls didn’t want to leave the shed because they’d never been out in fresh air, had never fossicked in the earth and grass, and were scared silly of the wide open spaces. Every morning Bryan had to gently pick each one up and put them outside until they realised it was okay to be out in the open and learned to hop over the entrance bar.  Eventually the girls settled down together but alas and alack! it didn’t solve the Oscar/Clarence situation since Oscar decided to enlist the new girls into his harem and continued bashing up poor old Clarence at every opportunity.

The new girls, all eventually a lovely glossy black, fell in love with Bryan. Along with the original chooks, they would follow him around the block, peering closely as he dug into the earth, catching worms, and generally having a good time. The other chooks would follow too, including the two roosters, and you’d see Bryan wandering around the grounds of our block followed by about 14 chooks, 3 cats and 1 dog. He looked like the Pied Piper.  In the evening he’d go out to lock up the chooks for the night and the black ones would fly towards him, because their flight feathers had grown back, cluster around him and follow at his feet as he led them to the chook shed.

Unfortunately, we lost one hen to what is called “the scours”, and another hen, Whitey, also disappeared but strolled out of the high grass a month later. We figured she’d gone broody but probably lost any chicks to foxes or dingoes. We got up one morning to find a big hole dug under the wire and into the chook shed and Goldie crouched looking completely traumatised.  We reckoned a monitor lizard (which can grow well past six feet in length) had dug in under the wire, probably to nick any eggs but  also to try to catch a chicken.  Poor old Goldie was in very poor shape, so we kept her in a cage, and I gave her Reiki regularly until, eventually, she came good and joined the rest of the flock again.

The time came when we sold the property up Mt French and, sadly, we had to say goodbye to our girls and boys.  Luckily, for his own safety and well-being, Clarence went back to Yvonne who had bought a house with space for chooks, and Oscar and the rest of the girls went to my father’s home which was also on one acre so they had heaps of space.  One by one they eventually died,as is the way of chook life, but poor old Oscar met his come-uppance by a close encounter with Mr Fox. My father came out one day to find feathers all over the place, signs of a struggle and no rooster, so it was good-bye Oscar.

On the monitor lizard front, we went up to the top of Mt French early one morning and could see these huge lizards pounding around in the undergrowth, a quite amazing sight. I was down in Boonah one day and when I got back, Bryan said a six-foot monitor  lizard has stomped along the pathway beside our house, climbed up the railway sleepers which formed the wall and disappeared up the hill.  He said the dog and cats just stared at the lizard, too terrified to even bark or hiss. The video below is of a monitor lizard in Thailand but it’s pretty much the same as you got up Mt French, although we’ve seen bigger when we were on the summit:

I decided early one morning that I would go for a walk at the top of Mt French as there’s a parking area and walking trail.  As I was walking along the dirt path, I wondered why people would bring bikes up Mt French to ride around as I could see all sorts of paths wound in the dirt. Then I realised – DUH! – that I was looking at snake trails so, trust me, IAustralian Brush-Turkey walked much more careful after that. But I didn’t get far. I was looking at a magpie on the ground digging around when, all of a sudden, a damned great brush-turkey rushed out from the bush and headed towards me, head down with a vicious look in its beady eye.  It obviously didn’t have kindly intent towards me and luckily there was a fallen bough near me which I grabbed to ward off the homicidal turkey.  I had to back slowly all the way to the car, fending off the turkey all the way, until I was able to jump in the car and hare off home.

Bryan looked surprised when I got back in such a short time, until I told him what had happened. And then he started laughing his head off, rotten sod, and repeating over and over with great glee: “Which one’s the turkey, then?  She’s standing right in front of me, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble”! Brush turkeys, by the way, are a protected species and the male builds great mounds of material where the female lays her eggs. They can be a real pest if they decide they like your garden as their happy hunting ground because they’ll wreck anything that grows in it. We watched a documentary once of a collective of Buddhist women, devoted to peaceful intent, trying to cope withe the presence of two brush-turkeys in their carefully tended garden.  It was really very funny to see the peaceful women descend into aggro and violence towards the brush-turkeys and trying to reconcile their desire to wring the birds’ necks with their Buddhist views. The birds won, by the way!

One of the great thrills of living up Mt French was to see the big wedge-tailed eagles circling and soaring on the thermals high above us. They were so majestic and we spent many a long time just watching them lazily waft around in the skies. One day there was a kerfuffle outside and the cats and dog ran into the house with their hair standing on end, Bryan heard the beating of wings and went outside, to find all our chooks hiding under bushes. They had nearly become eagle tucker as an eagle had swooped down to try to grab one of the chooks or small cats or dog.  The farm next to us lost their puppy and the family finally resigned themselves to it being snatched by an eagle.

Wedge-tailed eagles

Wedge-tailed eagles

And if you think that’s a bit far-fetched, I once visited the north-west of Western Australia, and my friend was driving me around showing me the various sights. We were barrelling along a long, straight road in his sturdy 4-wheel drive truck, with no other cars in sight, when he suddenly slowed down and started crawling along. I asked him what was going on and he told me a wedge-tailed eagle was on the verge ahead having a feed on road kill. If you went towards them at too fast a speed, they assumed you were attacking them and after their prey, so they in turn would attack the car.  Not only did it kill the bird, it caused considerable damage to any vehicle unlucky enough to be attacked by a kamikaze eagle. And I do have to say, when we drove slowly past – and we were in a high, big SUV – the eagle’s head was on a par with my eyes and it just stared coldly at us as we crept past.  An awe-inspiring sight!

We also loved the butcher birds and magpies which were in big numbers around our block. Butcher birds have a beautiful, liquid, single note which is quite enchanting. The song varies along the east coast of Australia from flock to flock, but it’s their way of communicating within each community, and the song changes slightly over time.  Here’s a link to a video of a butcher bird and its song, interestingly, it is quite different to the song of the butcher birds up Mt French:

Magpies have a beautiful carolling song which also is quite fascinating. When I broke my leg and ankle and had to spend time on my own up Mt French, the songs of these two birds on a lovely winter’s day, with bright sunshine and temperatures around 23C, were really quite magical, soothing and healing. Here’s a link to a video of magpies carolling:

One particularly enchanting sight was the echidna we spotted slowly making its way up the sloping block, muttering away to itself, until Rosie made a sudden move towards it when it rolled into a tight ball with all its spikes sticking out. Here’s a lovely little video about echidnas:

Not so enchanting were the paralysis ticks and mosquitos which inhabited our environment. Paralysis ticks are nasty little buggers which will attach to humans and make you feel pretty sick, but they will kill cats and dogs within a few days if their presence goes undetected. You wouldn’t believe such small creatures could be so deadly.  I had noticed a couple of lumps on the face of Daisy, one of our cats, and assumed she’d been fighting, because you didn’t come across paralysis ticks in inner-suburban Fremantle where we’d lived prior to moving to Queensland.  She began to look a bit woozy and started staggering so I called the vet who told me to bring her in immediately.  She actually had three ticks on her and as the vet started injecting various drugs he told me her chances were 50/50. I was shocked as I had no idea how dangerous the ticks were and the vet apologised as he said he should have warned us as he knew we weren’t local to the area. At one stage, I could feel Daisy’s energy fading until the vet injected another antidote and then I felt life returning to her. The vet told me she wouldn’t be able to walk for a couple of days but would likely survive. But good old, feisty Daisy – I went down to see her the next day and she was yowling her head off in the cage and stomping around looking most put out at her confinement.  So I took her home and very happy she was to back in her home environment.

We also used to get dingoes hanging around, mostly at night, because they used to drink from the dam at the bottom of the hill on which our house was perched. They never bothered us and I never heard of any stock getting killed by  dingos in our area. One night the Rottweiler dogs at the farm at the bottom of the hill started barking which was really noisy and kept us awake.  All of a sudden we heard what was most likely an alpha male dingo let out a huge roar and howl, which made us jump, but after that we never heard a peep from the Rottweilers, just dead silence!

Most oScotch grey mosquitof the mosquitoes up Mt French and in Boonah where we later moved were annoying and pesky critters but there was a particular breed of mozzies which really was quite daunting: Scotch Greys. They were very large mozzies, they would dive-bomb you with a really loud buzz and give you a really nasty, itchy bite if you didn’t manage to spray them with mozzie-killer first. If you batted them away, they would go right off their rocker and start attacking you quite venomously.  We went for a walk one night and then Bryan suddenly noticed that a heap of these huge Scotch Greys had landed on my back.  He batted them off but we both had to literally run home as it was like a hoard of kamikaze Stuiker fighters strafing us as the mozzies went utterly ballistic.

We left Boonah in 2002 to return to the UK where we lived for two years and one night we decided to watch a TV programme about an English couple considering the purchase of a property on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. They were there in winter which has a quite delightful climate – warm, dry, sunny days and cool  nights, hardly any rain. And we were sitting there shouting: “No, don’t buy now. Go back in summer when it’s 36C, 95% humidity, the snakes, mosquitoes, paralysis ticks, spiders and every other creepy-crawly is out and about. THEN make up your mind!”

Life with the Zoo – 1 (17)

I decided I couldn’t handle a trip down memory lane into the Dark Night of the Soul quite yet, and one of the joys of writing a book as a blog is you can duck into side alleys if you wish.

So I’ve veered off route to look at the good side of life on Mt French which was our motley collection of various animals and chooks, as well as unexpected close encounters of the snake kind, big spiders, large lizards, fruit bats, paralysis ticks, straying cows, dingoes, frogs, eagles, various birds, echidnas and kamikaze mosquitoes.

Yemaya Dreaming - a tribute to the African goddess of the oceans, but as this post has so much about snakes, I thought I pop it in!

Yemaya Dreaming – a tribute to the African goddess of the oceans, but as this post has so much about snakes, I thought I pop it in!

When we arrived in Queensland, we had our three cats and one dog picked up by kennels north of Brisbane so, once we’d moved into our new home, I drove up to pick them up while Bryan continued sorting the house out and fencing our 1-acre property to keep  Rosie, our Jack Russell in.

It was a hot day and the air was thick with smoke from the various bushfires burning around Ipswich (a city to the west of Brisbane) and Brisbane itself. As I drove along the freeway leading to Brisbane, the smoke was so thick you could hardly make out the  signposts overhead. And as it was quite difficult to head in the direction of the kennels (no freeways that far north in those days), I duly got lost and ended up very hot and sweaty by the time I reached my destination.

It was brilliant being reunited with our pets: Rosie settled into her crate in the front seat and fell asleep. On the other hand, in the back seat, two of the cats – Smudge and Daisy – were fine but Jessie got car-sick and I’d forgotten how bad she used to be. The car stank of poo, pee and vomit as I headed home in the heat and it was an enormous relief to stagger out of the car and breath in the fresh, cool air of the mountain when I got home.

Rosie loved her new home and all it’s space to race around in. We kept the cats in for a week to get them acclimatised and, once released, they stayed close by and settled in.  We also kept the cats indoors at night to protect the native wildlife as cats are big killers of local animals, particularly at night.

As we’d lived in suburban Perth we had no idea of the wildlife awaiting us in sub-tropical Queensland. Our first hint that life would be different was when Bryan strolled in and said he’d found a brown snake with its head down a hole, tweaked its tail and ran like hell as it shot out of the hole.  Browns, king browns, red-bellied blacks, taipans and various other slithery creatures inhabiting our environment are extremely poisonous – Australia has a myriad of deadly snakes which leave the rest of the world in its wake.

I saw Daisy chasing a brown snake once and was amazed at its speed. Luckily for Daisy I yelled for her to stop just as the snake turned around to attack her and, as she turned towards  my voice, it took the opportunity to literally leap away in huge loops of its body. It helped me respect people’s advice to leave snakes along and they’ll leave you alone. I forgot this when I was at home on my own one day while Bryan was down in Boonah doing the shopping. The cats and dog suddenly began making really weird growls and hisses, so I looked outside and there was a python stretching out from our side fencing and heading onto our roof.  Well, I had no wish to have a biggish snake wandering around on our roof and perhaps dropping on my head so I grabbed a broom, locked the animals inside, and rushed out to poke the snake and send it back where it came from.

Carpet Python

Carpet Python

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work like that. The snake moved really quickly, swung around towards me, I screamed, dropped the broomstick and ran inside. I think my hair may have been standing on end!  I kept an eye on the snake and it finally returned to the thick jasmine creeper on the corner of our patio where it blended so well you would have no idea a python was coiled up inside. Bryan came back shortly afterwards and strolled past the jasmine, quite oblivious to the python lurking inside.

“How big was it?” he asked. “Oh, about six feet, I think,” I replied.  Until I had to change my mind about the size a short while afterwards.  Bryan had grabbed a roll of vinyl from where we’d stored it on the front verandah as we were going to re-vinyl the kitchen floor. He walked through the house with the vinyl over his shoulder to the flat part at the back to cut the roll to size.  I suddenly heard a yell out back so ran out, to see a rather groggy looking carpet python staggering away from the vinyl.  My husband had slipped his hands inside, started unrolling the vinyl but at the final roll came in contact with the snake’s body.  Luckily, it had been asleep and was a bit dopey at being rolled over and over, but carpet pythons aren’t venomous although they can give you a bit of a bite. I asked Bryan how long he thought it was. “Oh, about six feet, I suppose” he replied. And I instantly had to up the size of the carpet python I’d poked with the broom.  It was twice as long as the snake in the vinyl and much wider, so I guess I’d mixed it with a 12 ft python.  I was just glad I hadn’t realised how big it was at the time!

Coastal taipan

Coastal Taipan

I came home from shopping one day to find Bryan looking a bit shaken. He told me the curtains on the verandah doors had been moving so he’d swept them back, thinking a gekko had got in, only to find himself eyeballing a snake.  He grabbed Rosie and locked her in a bedroom but, luckily, when he got back he saw the snake disappearing down the verandah – it had been chased away by feisty old Daisy!

A few weeks later we were in a shopping centre close to Ipswich and saw a wildlife display with a ranger in attendance. Bryan leaned forward, pointed and said: “Hey, that’s the snake I saw in the house.”  We were quite casual about it until the ranger said: “Oh, that’s a taipan”.  Now, you may not know taipans but they’re one of the world’s deadliest snakes, large, highly poisonous (the third most deadly while the inland taipan is the most deadly) and extremely aggressive. They won’t steer clear of you, they’ll actively  attack you. So we looked at each other, both going a bit pale.

We went even paler when we talked to the ranger and she told us Mt French was rife with taipans and – also – funnel web spiders. These are just as unfunny as taipans. They tend to like dark places so you often find them in your shoes or boots and they love wet places so often fall into swimming pools. The male is the most aggressive and they generally wake in a mean mood and stay in a mean mood all day so if they feel in any way

Funnel Web Spider

Funnel Web Spider

threatened they’ll attack and bite. Luckily no-one has died since an anti-venene was developed but I remember, back in England before I’d moved to Australia, reading about a woman in Sydney who’d been bitten and who had died very quickly.  So, as you can imagine, we returned to what we’d thought was a home in paradise, looking cautiously around for anything looking remotely like a taipan or funnel web spider.

Luckily we mainly saw the odd carpet python and quite a few tree snakes which, while venomous, can’t open their mouths wide enough to bite a human. But we did hear screaming one night and quite a big green snake had caught a frog and was swallowing it. We had to accept it’s nature but it was really rather horrible, hearing the screaming getting muffled until finally there was silence. I think we looked as green as the tree snake!

While we thankfully never saw any funnel web spiders,  we did see many large huntsman and wolf spiders. They look pretty terrifying because they are so big, but they are real wusses, nervous of humans, quite happy to stay out of the way, and very timid if you get too close to them. We used to have one that lived behind a painting: you’d see the legs sticking out and we’d say: “Aha, Spike’s home”. Mainly we left them to themselves

Wolf Spider (I actually took this photo when we lived in northern New South Wales where we'd see similar huntsman and wolf spiders)

Wolf Spider (I actually took this photo when we lived in northern New South Wales where we’d see similar huntsman and wolf spiders)

as they were great at catching flies and mozzies, but if they were on the wall beside the pillow we’d pop them in a glass then release them outside.

One night I got up to use the bathroom, switched on the light then let out a screech as a big huntsman was sitting right beside the switch.  A centimetre further and I would have poked the spider. The spider jumped an inch off the wall and, unfortunately, went absolutely troppo, running around the walls of the toilet while I tried to get finished as quickly as possible while keeping an eye on the manic spider.

We also used to get green frogs climbing up inside the toilet.  It was a hell of a shock the first time I went in and saw a couple of dirty great green frogs calmly staring back at me from the rim. I got Bryan to catch them and put them outside but one night I had to handle one myself.  I heard a screeching, the dog barking and the cats yowling so got up, only to find the mutts sitting in a circle around a frog which was keeping them at bay with its screeching.  I knew if I didn’t fix it, the noise would continue all night.  It was mid-summer with really hot nights so both of us slept starkers which was lucky, I guess, because when I picked up the damned frog to put it outside, it peed all over me. Luckily with no clothes I was able to wash myself down. And my dear husband slept right through the racket and was quite surprised to hear about the kerfuffle the next morning!

So here’s a hint – if you want to chuck a frog outside, fling a towel over it first to catch it, as it’s a damned sight easier to chuck a towel into the washing machine than it is to wash yourself down!

Dancing into the gates of Hell (16)

When I first moved to Perth in 1972, the climate was wet and somewhat cold in winter (quite warm, actually, in comparison to the UK!), while the summers were very dry and hot. If you got a day of 40C, you’d likely get the sea breeze, known as the Fremantle Doctor, coming in around early to mid-afternoon when temperatures would drop very fast to the mid- to high 20Cs.  In prolonged hot periods, you’d get hot, gusty gully winds in the hills and blowing through the city, while some nights the temperatures wouldn’t drop too much, which led to hot, sweaty, sleepless nights.

By the time we moved East, Perth had morphed from a bit of an overgrown town to a full-size city.  It had stretched its tentacles along the coast and development had covered much of the green areas that had existed when I first lived in the city.  By the same token, the climate was changing. Whereas previously the Fremantle Doctor was a given, by 1994 it had weakened and the weather had grown less predictable. Nevertheless, it was still a pretty dry climate.

Mr Smudge & Jessie

Mr Smudge & Jessie

We’d checked out the climate in Brisbane and it didn’t go much above 36C in summer which thought was pretty terrific.  Unfortunately we didn’t know about the humidity which makes life in Queensland pretty challenging in the summer.

Anyway, eager for Mo and Bryan’s Next Big Adventure, we climbed on the plane to Brisbane in September 1994, along with our 3 cats – Mr Smudge, Daisy and Jessie – and Rosie, our Jack Russell who had landed serependitiously in our family after Chloe died.

The first thing that struck me about Brisbane was the warmth, humidity, the dampness, the softness lying in the air, so very different from Perth.  This city felt quite different, as if somehow we’d entered another country even though we’d only travelled across the continent to another part of Australia.

We stayed in a truly crappy hotel where the room was miserable and the staff were surly and unpleasant. And on our first night we watched the news to see, in the weather section, that a line of severe storms was moving from Boonah to the Bunyips.  We had no idea what sub-tropical storms were like but this little bit of news was a portent as we ended up living in Boonah eventually.

As our car was being trucked across the Nullarbor from Perth to Brisbane, we decided to hire a car. And came across something new again.

“Don’t park under mango trees”, the hire bloke said to us.

Never having come across mango trees in Perth, we were puzzled.

“Their sap ruins the ducco”, he advised. Another hint that things were different in this State.

Rosie, our Jack Russell

Rosie, our Jack Russell

Now while we sold our home for what was then a good price in Perth, house prices were much higher in Queensland at that time than back in Western Australia.  So we panicked a bit. To be absolutely truthful, we panicked a hell of a lot. We couldn’t afford to stay for long in motels, so the first priority was to find a home in new pastures which were completely strange to us.

Welcome to stress city.  And also welcome to what I eventually would come to realise were greater forces at work than we realised.  Synchronicity started to grease the engine of Mo and Bryan’s descent into the Underworld.

On his holiday in Queensland, Bryan had stayed on the Gold Coast, south-east of the city centre, and had waxed lyrical to me about the beautiful Tamborine Mountain in the hinterland.  So while we were house-hunting, we also decided to have a look around this fascinating area.  We heard our first whip bird there. The male makes a sound remarkably like a whip and the female bird chimes a “whup-whup” at the end.  We climbed among the lush greenery, and stood in awe at the amazing views from the peak of Tamborine.

We started driving down the mountain away from the coast and stopped for a coffee and break at Canungra, halfway down.  I suddenly saw a small real estate agency and wandered over to look at the photos of homes for sale.  There was a property which suited us down to the ground, so we went to have a look at it, liked it, put in an offer which was accepted and went off to get the deposit cheque. When we got back to the real estate agency the next day, the seller had changed his mind. Whether he thought he’d get us to up our offer, I don’t know as he said he’d had a better offer overnight. As it was, he went begging and I have to admit that, when I saw the property still for sale a year later, I felt a little bit of glee that he’d fallen flat on his face.

After this upset, we really moved into Panic City. The real estate agent was very apologetic, and rustled up another place for us to view – a farm close to a town called Boonah. We had no idea where Boonah was and it was rather like driving off into the wild, blue yonder. We seemed to be driving for ever when we crested a hill and there was a quite beautiful little town below us, nestled in a valley surrounded by absolutely awe-inspiring mountains, in an area known as The Scenic Rim.

Our home on Mt French, about 9 kms outside of Boonah

The real estate agent we met there took us off to look at the farm. “Dilapidated” would have been too kind a word for it, it was a god-awful wreck.  So that was a no go. Then he took us off to look at a smallholding on Mt French, a mountain just behind Boonah.  What we didn’t realise was that we were having a close encounter of the White Shoe Brigade kind. This Brigade was a shonky band of real estate operators in Queensland who were renowned for their hustles and scams.  And what our personal version of the WSB dished up was that old, old trick – show the punters a clapped-out old house then wheel them into to one that looks heaps better, sit back and whip out your contract for them to sign.

And that’s precisely what happened to us.  We were shown a low-set home (not set up on stumps which in Queensland is known as a high-set) which was modern, on one acre and set half-way up the mountain with magnificent views of the Border Ranges to the south and pure silence.  We were hooked. Couldn’t wait to sign the contract.  Only a few weeks later we realised that we’d been ripped off – a far too high price in a market at rock bottom, plus the real estate agent and seller were friends.  We were on a block with tank water but no water of its own. And in the middle of a drought which was still going strong, this was not an ideal situation.  But at the time we knew no better.

The first sign that things were not going well was the huge attack of bronchitis and ‘flu to which I succumbed – yet again – while we were living in a motel and waiting for the property settlement. I was as sick as a dog.  Closely following on this was a toothache which led to a root canal filling which led to the first dent in our savings. The saving grace for our sanity was that the people renting moved out early and we were able to move in prior to settlement of the house sale.

I can remember standing on the wide verandah of this quite spacious home, staring at the wonderful view, listening to the profound silence except for the wind, and saying to my husband: “What have we done to deserve this?” And, although he didn’t tell me at the time, Bryan looked around and thought: “What the hell have we done?” He has a nose for trouble, my husband, and he was quite right. 

 

The Gates to Hades – 15

In 1994 we decided to move – after 20-odd years in Western Australia – from Fremantle to Queensland, on the other side of the Australian continent.

What can I say? It seemed a good idea at the time.

But I think if we’d known what we’d go through in the early years, true Dark Nights of the Soul for both of us, we would have nailed our feet to the floor of our house in Fremantle and poured concrete over to boot (sorry about the pun).

Looking back I can see the sands starting to shift in 1993, when the death of my much loved little dog heralded huge changes for me, and in 1994 when my husband’s father died suddenly of a massive heart attack.

Queensland had actually come onto our horizon in early 1993 when Bryan had a holiday on the Gold Coast courtesy of the construction company he worked for as he’d had many years in their employ. I remember he phoned me raving about how beautiful it was, how Mt Tamborine looked wonderful and how odd it was to see the sun setting over land instead of sea, as happened for us in Fremantle.

I, on the other hand, while he was in Queensland, had a nasty fall in our porch which I almost view now as part of the opening stages of our journey to Queensland. It was, looking back, as if it was a wake-up call. I tripped on a brick and fell heavily, broke my glasses and pretty much had concussion for the rest of the weekend.  I had appalling headaches after this and it actually led me to cranio-sacral therapy which I’ve used on and off ever since.

Chloe

Chloe, our part-Llasa Apso dog

A bit later, in July 1993, our little dog Chloe, a part-Llasa Apso, was hit by a bus and killed.  She and I were incredibly close. We went everywhere together. That late afternoon I’d returned from shopping with Chloe who was leaning against the back of the passenger seat watching me as she always did.  I unpacked the shopping, made a cup of coffee and then heard a knock at the front door. It was our neighbour across the road asking to speak to Bryan.  He seemed to give me a sort of compassionate look which puzzled me. So as I heard them go outside, I went to our front window to see what was going on. And saw Chloe lying motionless on the verge on the opposite side of the road.  She had run in front of a bus and been killed instantly.

I can remember the overwhelming grief, that I would never see my beloved dog again.  I felt as if a piece of my heart had been ripped out. You want to turn the clock back and see someone you’ve lost alive again, but of course, time marches on and it’s relentless, it won’t go back.  I tried to make sense of what had happened. But, of course, there is no sense in untimely death. Or, at least, it seemed like that the first day.  The following night I had a very clear dream about Chloe. I saw her surrounded in a radiant, beautiful golden light walking away from me. She turned and looked at me for one last time, as if to say a final goodbye, then kept walking. And as she faded away, I heard a voice say: “She came to teach you unconditional love.  Her work is over and now it’s time for her to move on.”

When I woke up the next day and remembered the dream, I thought I was becoming unhinged. I had no idea what “unconditional love” meant. But synchronistically I saw in the Sunday newspaper an advertisement for a psychic fair. I had never been to one and had no idea what happened there. But it drew me for some reason, so I ventured out that morning to visit the fair.  It all seemed a bit weird to me with tarot readers, aura readers, numerologists, crystal sellers and other such-like stalls.

I took a punt on a lady doing numerology readings, but really didn’t take in much of what she was saying.  She asked me what was wrong and I told her about Chloe’s untimely death. She directed me to her friend, a psychic and medium, so I duly trotted over to see what this person could offer. I said I’d just lost my dog and her first words were: “My word, she went out with a bang, didn’t she?”

Her second words left me speechless: “She’s here now”.  I looked around rather nervously because I had no idea what happened when a dead dog started hanging around. And then she said those words again: “She came here to teach you unconditional love.”  I felt my jaw unhinge when she said that.

I have since then learned that, if you open your psychic senses, you can tune into images which are present in another person’s consciousness.  We all have psychic ability but in our logical, scientific society, the idea of psychic ability is treated with scorn.  Yet this is an intrinsic part of all of us and when we don’t exercise our psychic senses or deny their existence, we are shutting down a very important part of us.

Psychic work develops when we open to our intuitive, emotional sides and work with our higher energy centres, otherwise known as chakras or energy centres. If you look at the brain, it’s divided into two hemispheres. The left one controls the right side of our bodies, which is our logical, scientific, intellectual side.  The right side of our brain controls the left side of our bodies, the intuitive, sensing, feeling side. Anyone can work with their intuitive side but too many discount that information because we are so geared to logic and poo-poo the unseen. Yes, I know it’s a great simplification and if you want to know more, you can do some internet searches and get more in-depth knowledge by doing your own homework.

Image2-2

Our home in Fremantle

I digressed a bit there because I just wanted to give you a basic idea of how psychic awareness works and why it would have been quite easy for Julie to pick up from me what happened to Chloe.  But then Julie said: “She’s telling me she used to run down the stairs to your bedroom and jump on the bed with you while you read in bed.”  I gaped at her as this was the last thing I was thinking of.  Then she repeated herself: “You know, she was there to teach you unconditional love, but it was time for her to move on.”

There was that weird word again: “unconditional love”. What on earth was going on? I think by this time I must have looked like a stunned mullet as I was just sitting there gawping at the reader. Luckily for me, Julie persevered. She looked at my hands and told me I’d make a good Reiki healer, particularly working with animals.  She also invited me to join her Inner Child workshop which was being held weekly.  I got the strong sense that this was a turning point of some sort for me. I didn’t know what, but something was pushing me into exploring this concept. So I decided to attend the workshop.

And thus began my slow, halting path towards a completely new life where I learned about inner child work, healing, Reiki, developing my psychic abilities, becoming an artist, embarking on a teaching path and also doing the odd bit of mediumship work.  I will go into more details of this later.  This, Chloe’s death, was the gateway to a new life opening up which finally came to fruition in early 1994.

The upheaval for my husband erupted in February 1994 when his father died suddenly of a massive stroke in February of that year and we decided to return to the UK (where we were both born) to visit Bryan’s family.  I had lost touch with members of my own family after my mother died.

Prior to our departure for the UK, we considered our circumstances, which were challenging our settled lifestyle.  I hated walking out of gate and seeing the place where Chloe’s body had lain. And my husband decided that his working life with the company he worked for was likely coming to an end and so took redundancy before we flew to England.

So we had the inspiration to sell our home, up sticks, move across the country and settle in this far-off State where we knew absolutely nobody. Neither of us is now quite sure why we made that decision. Bryan feels it was because he was in a state of depression after his father’s unexpected death. I wanted to get away from the house because of Chloe’s untimely death, and because my alcohol intake, which had reached considerable proportions, was bothering me too. I had the vague idea of managing to escape the problem if I changed my habitat. Fat chance! A life lesson I’ve learned very well is that, when you move, you take yourself with you and you still end up having to deal with the same problems.

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